1. Don’t say something completely out of left field like, “You’re such a nice guy, I can’t believe nobody will date you.” This is wrong for a number of reasons. First is that when you use the term ‘nice guy’ or its equally abhorrent sibling ‘sweet guy’, you’ve already signaled that you find the guy unattractive. If you found him attractive, you wouldn’t use terms like ‘nice’ or ‘sweet’, you’d use something less distant, something better defined, such as ‘great’ or ‘perfect’. See, ugly guys are on to you. They know that if two guys perform the exact same action, be it gesture, word or deed, and one of the two strikes you as attractive while the other does not, you’ll view the act differently and report as much to the particular guy in question. That isn’t an attack. It’s truth. Second, your failure to ‘believe’ that all other women have joined together en masse to say that the guy isn’t worth dating separates you from the group and leaves you vulnerable to logical attacks and manipulations by the ugly guy, who, chances are pretty high, has spent a lifetime crafting the perfect response to every line you could possibly utter in the balance of the conversation. You’ve unknowingly set about a chain of events where the ugly guy will see your walking away from the safety of your peers as the perfect opportunity to strike, to try whittling away at your opposition. Of course, the learned, older ugly guy will know that the task is futile. But still they’ll try.
2. Do not, and I cannot stress this enough, do not under any circumstance say something along the lines of “If I wasn’t seeing somebody I’d give you a shot.” This also is wrong for a number of reasons, chief among them that, unless you’re a year or more into a relationship, chances are you’d abandon the guy your with (assuming there are no shared children) if a better looking, ‘nicer’ (read: perfecter) guy happened on the scene and showed interest. If the current relationship has lasted a year or longer, you’d either be committed enough to the relationship that saying something like this to another guy would ring as a slight in your ears to the guy you’re with or, if you weren’t committed enough, you might start to weigh your current guy against the ugly guy and decide, well, who would ever choose ugly? And if that seems preposterous to you, kindly recall the number of women you know who have abandoned a seemingly good relationship to pair up with the new guy, convinced that, even if things don’t prove better, at least they’ll prove as good. The second reason that telling an ugly guy that you’d give him a shot is a bad idea is because of how flippant the comment sounds, sort of akin to saying ‘Well if I’d known this restaurant had iced tea I wouldn’t have ordered a gin and tonic.’ Ugly guys aren’t looking to date any- or everybody who’d be willing to date them. If he’s past high school age, he’s already figured out his role in the game and so he’s careful about whom he does and does not show any interest in. Worse than living your life as an ugly person is living your life as an ugly person who doesn’t appear to know of his affliction. Also, if the ugly guy has NEVER asked you out, you seem a bit presumptuous, no?
3. Do not, do not, do not please compound the problem you find yourself in, were you to have not heeded the previous two tips, by saying something in the key of “I don’t care about looks; I just want somebody to love me.” Ugly guys know that you’re lying. Everybody cares about looks. Even ugly people care about looks. That’s the biggest problem with being ugly. Ugly people expect the world to look past their ugliness, all the while resistant to the thought of doing so themselves. It also screams that you do in fact find the ugly guy ugly, because you’re the one who brought it up. Ugly guys know not to bring it up. Ugly guys are just happy that a woman is deigning to speak with them. Don’t mention the elephant in the room, ugly guys know it’s there. After you leave to go about with your life, we’re the ones left standing in the elephant’s shit.
These helpful tips were hastily thought up and provided for your edification after an unfortunate conversation a few minutes ago. Speaking as an ugly person, I apologize that you have to deal with my ugliness for the few minutes that we’re facing each other during the uncomfortable conversation described above. Honest, those of us who’ve spent our entire lives ugly do feel bad about it.
And while I’m not in the habit of telling people what they can and cannot comment on, let me save you the problem of telling me that I’m not ugly. Because I know you’re lying. If you don’t see me as ugly, it’s because we’re related in some way, or you’ve known me so long that you look past my ugliness. And while looking past it is great for you, and while you’re safely ensconced in your relationship, the fact remains that you knew me when you were single and chose to look past me even then. See, what bothers me isn’t the horrible nicknames I had in grade school because I was ugly. And it isn’t the nicknames I had in high school because I was ugly (I spent my entire commencement worried that somebody from an earlier graduating class who’d come back to watch the graduation of a friend would scream one of my many nicknames out when my name was called…). What bothers me isn’t that the girl I chased after from grade school through my early twenties was never honest enough with me to tell me that she didn’t think I was cute; I had to learn that from a number of her friends who felt bad enough for me to be honest in her stead. What bothers me isn’t that Rachel would rather date asshole guys who would steal her anti-seizure medicine while the tumors in her brain stole her from the world, cute guys, as she’d describe them, all the while saying she thought I was ‘cute’, though nobody believed her. What bothers me isn’t the women I work with who I’ve seen do real, lasting damage to their shoulders by throwing themselves against the wall of the hallway as I pass them, my eyes scanning the ground a few feet before me, the way a blind person’s cane does, looking for a clear path. What bothers me isn’t the support people try to provide by telling me that the ‘right person’ is out there. She isn’t. What bothers me isn’t the unsolicited advice to join an online dating site, even though the thought of doing so runs counter to every aspect of my being. No, what bothers me isn’t that I’m ugly; it’s that you all want to pretend that I’m not.
Frat Skeleton got an internship.
Two years ago today I had the ‘bright’ idea to share a little comic I had been working on, playing with, for about a month. At the time, I had about a dozen of them all ready to go. I didn’t really know what to expect, though I had both a purpose and a vision in mind. Since then, I’ve lost my focus. The comic isn’t going anywhere. I’m just struggling to find a reason to keep it going. And while I appreciate all of the kindness shown to me, and the strip (most of which is undeserved), I’ve tried forcing its return and nothing happens. I sit and stare at the laptop for hours, flipping through the hundreds of notes I have, with the jokes all already written, the setups figured out, et cetera. Maybe when I try again this Saturday it’ll all fall into place. Maybe the hold up has been today’s ‘anniversary’. Dunno. Won’t know. In any case, if you’ve ever had a chuckle, even if it made you cringe, I want you to know that I appreciate it. Next to the poems that littered my late teens and early twenties, there really hasn’t been anything creative that I’ve ever been decent at, but sometimes, when the day is going well and I see that one or more people “liked’ the strip, or shared it or whatever, I sometimes delude myself into thinking “yeah, you’re still funny…” Anyway… happy reading. Thank you for spending time with my silly comic. It has brought me tremendous joy over the last two years